Spoon Stirring And Fourth Levellers

There is a type of person who, when having just scored a point in let's say a quiz, will start gently biting their bottom lip, lower their gaze onto their chest, pull back their head narcissistically and fix their attention on a giant imaginary spoon held in their hands. They will then start to stir the spoon. This they will couple with gyrating hips and in obvious or subtle ways they will sexually taunt the opposing team. For those moments the stirrer is somehow lead by the spoon, they are both triumphant playmates in an erotic game of fleshy conquering, the spoon is my penis and I am stirring you around my bowl of humiliation. To fellow spoon stirrers the sight of a spoon stirrer in full flight provokes in them victorious yips and they too are intoxicated by the "spoon".

Spoon-stirring is usually carried out by pedestrian Bs. Pedestrian Bs? Oh let me explain:

Pedestrian Bs walk in the street without a single care for others; they stop suddenly, zig-zag, crash into you, but once committed to a path and will not deviate no matter the circumstances, even if others had already committed to that same path before them.

Pedestrian Bs are first level why people. First level why people? Oh let me explain:

A first level why person stops their interest in any subject after the answer to their first why

eg. Q. Why have you moved to the country?
A. To be close to nature.
Oh (First level why people finish on an "oh"and end their enquiry)
Q. Why do you want to be close to nature? (Second level)
A. Because I love the grass and the trees and..
Q. Why? (Third level)
A. Because they are palpably good as a direct experience.
Q. Why? (Fourth level)
A. Because my body subtly tunes into them, cells soften and open and there is a feeling of Yes to all things.

I tend to prefer the company of fourth levellers but not always.

The Self Takes On The Limb

My legs are different. My left leg is thinner, more agile and quicker than my right. When I move them independently I become what they are.

When I circle my left leg I am a nimble girl, a bohemian berliner, sharp and wayward. I am Agata. I am orchids, shiny thin vases, pink and black, cocktails, shiny-kneed, snakes, elegant bridges, birch bark, death sacrifice to the ocean, silver lockets, rich acidic scents, hexagons, soft sneezes, mild colds, never hot, flittering, fickle, fountains, mauled by the lion, rinsed grapes, new metal, fine-tuning, blood pours out, enormous pure white clouds, precise pointing, lightning, tappingmy eyes are first open to yours for split seconds then look through you or above you and trail to the floor in a feline death.

Then if I circle the right leg I am an old digger driver named Bob from Gloucestershire.. I am bread, oak bark, mustard, cloudy blue sky, heavy sleep, breeze-block, death in the lake, nutty smells, nostalgia, ravaged by a dog, light rust, blood trickles, meaty beatings, flush, too hot, summer squints, thunder, solid Georgian, vague gestures, musk, smoke, crumbling cheddar, apple white knees scraping, my eyes avoid you but sometimes they bore right into your secret shame then pull back into my own.

The Past Is An Oval-Shaped Puddle

When I consider the places I have lived the first glimpse of all things that have passed spreads out before me such that everything I have done, everybody I have known and every thing I have seen is an oval shaped puddle of rainbow colours, rather than a linear tract down into the soil of memory with the journey sporadically revealing more. The puddle then, albeit a fleeting image, reveals everything in the past as being made of the same juice. This manifests by the next glimpse being such that the search,let's say for the places I have lived, unveils only one house, a giant mansion of diverse rooms or if the search is of people I have known only one person appears, a person with multi personalities and splendidly diverse facial features. I could go on.


Steps have two dimensions which effect the user- the depth of the stretcher and the height of the riser. When these dimensions are strangely designed the walker or runner is faced with the mildly irritating decision to either compress his one stride into two dainty ones or elongate his two steps into one long lope. Both of these force him to be a little more or a little less than what he is. Somehow this is known by him and he feels subtly at odds with himself for those passing seconds.

I just thought you should know that.

Back Of The Head

There in the back of his head and neck, particularly as he is walking along, is a complete expression of a person, his whole essence. I follow people as though I am reading a book that is glued to their neck. The back head appears on some as a featureless slab of ignorance, a strong projection of rigidity, thus encapsulating their whole uncompromising pursuit - being nothing other than what it is, and that what it is being only what it thinks it is using the mind machine as a reference… That hard resistance on the head back is absent in some; they seem softer, head flesh welcoming, or poignant.

Mind You

When you say "mind you" in the middle of a sentence what do you do with your eyes? Do they open more and move to the side? Does your head subtly swivel and tilt? Do your nostrils flare a little?

Eyes To The Right

When I look straight ahead things to my left are a little clearer than things to my right- obviously one eye is better than the other. The difference this makes is that people to my left are given an easy attention- I am more open to them and treat them with a heartier welcome. People to my right are subtly intrusive, secretive, not to be fully trusted- I treat them with a civil but cautious hand; they are insidious shadows, darkly sneering silhouettes, ghosts of near-forgotten enemies and ever will they remain...until they move to my left.

How To Artificially Inseminate A Turkey

The process of artificially inseminating turkeys (called "cracking") is really quite easy. I know because I've done it.

1. Round up a small group of turkeys.
2. Select a likely candidate.
3. Pick her up by the base of her wing, roll her over and squeeze her gently between your knees.
4. Squeeze a little bit harder until her intimate partlets are on display.
5. From the collection of plastic straws you have prepared earlier (full of semen previously masturbated out of the stag bird) select one and with the puffer ball inject the semen.
6. Release her; watch her shrug her shoulders and wander off.

How To Subtly Bring Your Company To Its Knees (part 3)

1. Inform all staff by email that a health inspector is coming to inspect the building and the staff. Tell them that their hair will be inspected for nits and lice and that they should all wear a flat side-parting that day to facilitate the process.
2. Somehow find some photos of an Indian family on holiday in Turkey. Put them in random places around the office, preferably with captions like "Dad sleeping". Use at least 100.
3. Put some quotes on the notice board by Oscar Wilde, Winston Churchill etc, only make them entirely meaningless like "I'm now going to have a cup of tea" (Jean Paul Sartre).
4. Subtly sneer or gently grimace when somebody says "Hello" but don't return the greeting. In all other interactions be civil as per usual.
5. Leave a King Edward potato by the main gate every Thursday morning.

How To Subtly Bring Your Company To Its Knees (part 2)

1. Update worker's personal profile by asking them about their 43rd favourite colour.
2. When talking about yourself to colleagues don't point to your chest area (as normal)but instead point to your elbow. If referring to others, point to their elbow.
3. Put a dab of honey on somebody's computer mouse (as often as possible).
4. Ring up a key worker and tell them they have been selected to represent the company to train new recruits how to walk the right way. Tell them their walk perfectly matches the company ethos. Tell them to produce a P.Point presentatation to be included in the training sessions. Be most insistent and encouraging.
5. Send an email (as if from on high) banning the use of the words "You" "Today" "From" and "11.00 am" in emails or conversations that take place inside the building.

How To Subtly Bring Your Company To Its Knees (part 1)

1. Leave a brussel sprout on somebody`s desk every day.
2. When a colleague gives you a specific piece of information ask them to be a little more vague so they are forced to convert "red" into a "colour", "5" into "under 30" "Mum" into "A person".
3. Leave a card of a local taxi service on the notice board that offers to get you nowhere faster than any other rival service.
4. Order a toggenberg goat for the sales director.
5. Stick a very small photo of a black and decker workbench in diverse and unexpected places. Keep doing it until it can't be ignored and a meeting is called.
6. Tell everyone an enthusiastic anecdote in which you categorically did NOT see Elvis. Give the exact circumstances in which the non-event occurred.